Here’s the thing:
I’m not doing so well.
I haven’t wanted to write in a while because of that, because I am not about to lie about this whole cancer thing. But I also have this weird, self-imposed compulsion to be super positive and inspirational, because you know, I’m Cancer Girl. Marvel is releasing a movie about me next May. I don’t like talking about the bad stuff so much. It feels like I’m putting a burden on everyone who reads this. I’m not even completely sure why I’m writing this now, except that I felt like I should testify that even when everything is falling apart and I have no hope that my life is going to get better, God sustains me.
My life is very fluid right now, which if you know me you know that is not ideal for me. Everything is uncertain in a lot of ways that I mostly cannot control. I try to take steps forward and accomplish tasks, but much of the time I can’t actually make positive changes in the situations in my life.
I don’t really need to go into details because aside from the cancer it’s mostly normal stuff that 100% of adults have to deal with; I’m just 99% less competent at handling life than other people. Things are up in the air and I’m reacting not so well. It hasn’t helped that my meds were off until a week ago and are still balancing back out.
So yes. I’m not doing so great. My anxiety and depression have been difficult lately, I’ve been in a great deal of pain, and I’m not coping very well. I’m really discouraged. My adult life feels endless and exhausting and frankly, fairly bleak. But even if it’s later rather than sooner, I am comforted and sustained by the certain hope of eternity. It will not be this way forever. One day I will be running straight into the arms of Jesus without pain, without cancer, without sin.
All shall be well.
“And the night can be so long, so long
That you think you’ll never get up again.
But listen now, there’s a mighty cloud
Of witnesses around you, saying
‘Hold on, hold on, hold on ’til the end.
For all shall be well.'”