The job search continues with little success.
I did actually get a job offer this week, but I had to turn it down. It was a position providing administrative support to four salespeople, and when I met the salespeople it turned out that one of them was basically a tv sitcom bad guy. Basically he walked into the room and tried to intimidate me by asking what job I thought I was interviewing for and saying that if I asked for help more than twice I was “a f–ing dummy.” I didn’t really know how to respond to that, so I said, “O…kay?” and my voice cracked. So of course he immediately said, “Oh, are you nervous now? You need some water? A cup of tea?” He also called me “good girl,” which I would just bet that no 25-year-old man of my acquaintance has ever been called “good boy” in an interview.
So when the manager called to offer me the job, I said, “No, thank you!” which kick-started a ten minute session of him saying, “But I think I can explain, you just misunderstood because I know that’s the old-school frat boy way of talking but that’s really not our atmosphere.” And he wouldn’t accept it when I explained that I didn’t fancy spending 25% of my work life fighting for basic human respect and educating this colleague about gender equality in the workplace.
I mean, I don’t really understand how I keep meeting these bizarre people who clearly stumbled out of the television. Maybe I should become a television writer and base all my scripts on my real-life experiences?
So the upshot of it all is that I’m practicing trust a lot these days. I’m really desperate and discouraged right now, and even as terrible as the interview and phone conversation were, it was still a little hard to say no to a secure paycheck. But it was a total God thing that the jerk guy was even at the interview, and when I left the office the Holy Spirit was like, “Not the place for you!”
But I’m still scared, even though I believe that was the right decision. My depression is really bad right now, to be blunt. Unemployment and I have never been good friends. I have to spend way too much time alone with my least favorite person and I’m constantly being rejected, which I definitely don’t love. It’s hard for me to trust that the work of Lord will continue in my heart even if I don’t have a paycheck or a roof over my head or a career that makes me feel fulfilled or useful. And it’s extra hard for me to remember that God can be glorified even when I am not. Because I’m selfish: I want to be safe and happy and not worrying about bills or food and I want to find a job that’s more than just bearable. And it’s easy for me to lose sight of what’s really important when I’m focused on my own problems.
But I keep asking the Lord to show me how to be faithful in the midst of failing at basic life stuff. And for me the answers have been unglamorous and unfun and honestly don’t really seem to be doing anything: go to church. Keep applying for all the jobs (80 so far). Participate in X or Y event.
I’m trying to be obedient, even though I feel like I want to tell God, “this is what I need and this is what I’m capable of doing and this is why my plan would be better.” But I’m His child, right? And I think about how my nieces will get frustrated with obedience and try to explain things to their parents, and my sister and my brother-in-law will say, “what is the work that the Lord has given you to do?”
What is the work that the Lord has given me to do, even if it doesn’t make sense to me and I want different work? I’m called to trust Him and step forward in faith and obedience. And to quote the catechism, the chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever, and He obviously knows better than I do what glorifies Him.
But it’s still hard for me. So if you could pray that the Lord would strengthen me in perseverance through my depression and general physical inability, I would appreciate it. Sometimes it’s really hard to gather up the spoons to be obedient, even when my spirit is willing. And thank you so much for your faithfulness in prayers and encouragement. It’s a privilege and joy to be part of the community of believers with you.
Great is His faithfulness.