Hello again. I’m going to get to the real post in a minute, but someone (who wished to remain anonymous and who also doesn’t even read my blog) asked me to write a quick update about my piercings, so I’m going to do that first.
I don’t think I actually wrote about it on here, but in the past few months I’ve had both of my daiths pierced because there is some anecdotal evidence linking the daith piercing to migraine relief. “Wow, Kelley, that’s a big leap to take on anecdotal evidence,” you say? Well, I’ve had six medical professionals tell me that there is absolutely nothing that can be done for my headaches, and I’m not about that whole Botox life, mainly because I don’t want to pay lots of money for someone to poke needles into my face. So I paid someone a moderate amount of money to poke needles into my ears. Plus I think the piercings look super cool. Sixth grade Kelley would totally be in awe of me now.
I did do quite a bit of research before getting the piercings, because I had the standard earlobe piercings done when I was 13 and they got really badly infected and it was horrifying and I will never be able to wear my manatee earrings ever again. Weep with me. So in my research I found that people mainly think one of three things about the daith piercing in regards to migraines:
- It totally works! Do it! Do it now!
- It hasn’t worked but I’m happy with it anyway!
- IT DOESN’T WORK. YOU’RE STUPID FOR THINKING IT WOULD. AND IF IT DOES IT’S JUST A PLACEBO.
Seriously, the negative people were VERY negative. But to them I would say…just a placebo? I mean, I don’t know how much pain those people are in. Personally, I am frequently in pain to the point of welcoming any kind of relief, even if it’s just by tricking my brain with fancy new jewelry.
Anyway, I would like to take this opportunity to point out that I am not a doctor, nor am I making a widespread recommendation for the daith piercing as a migraine treatment. I’m just reporting how it’s worked out for me.
Which is…pretty well, actually. I’m still having migraines pretty frequently. I didn’t expect the piercings would cure the migraines because I have a lot of triggers that are just kind of unavoidable. But I have noticed, after the first few weeks of the piercing healing, that I’m taking medication a lot less than I used to, which is always a plus for my liver. So the headaches are still there, but often less intense. And it might be a placebo and it might fade over time. I don’t really know, but it seems to be helping right now, and every little bit helps.
That actually ended up being a lot longer than I thought it would be, but I’m going to keep going.
So you may or may not know that I was laid off from my job a week and a half ago. If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, A. Thank you! and B. You know that I am no stranger to unemployment. Also that I don’t handle it very well.
Even though I was expecting it, due to my employer doing not so great fiscally and other important grown-up adjectives, I have been struggling mightily in the aftermath of the laying off. The first reason is because it was handled really poorly, like early episodes of The Office poorly. So there’s been a lot of anger, which I don’t tend to process well. The second reason is probably more normal: I’m really scared. In three weeks I won’t have healthcare. In three weeks I won’t have steady, full-time paychecks. It took me three years to find this job, and I’m afraid it will take three more years to find another one. In a couple of months my lease is up, and I won’t be able to get another place to live if I don’t have a job. I’m wondering how I’m going to continue paying the rent at my current lease. And obviously I have a wonderful family who have already offered a hundred ways to help me, but my brain is messed up by depression and even though I was laid off and it had nothing to do with me it all still feels like moving backwards and failing at life.
And once the fears get going they just sort of multiply until I, not the most courageous hobbit in the Shire at the best of times, am sort of paralyzed by anxiety. Because it’s true that I fail a lot. I’m not very good at accomplishing basic life things. And sometimes, particularly in the wake of a large failure such as losing a job (and all the little failures that go along with that), I start to question what I’m even doing in the Kingdom of God. Why on earth does He want me? What good is my poor attempt at faithfulness when I keep failing at everything?
And I have to say that I don’t really get it. I think it’s probably my really human understanding that says, “God, wouldn’t it be more useful for all of your people to be qualified and successful and competent and not constantly going to pieces?”
So I suppose losing my job has been the catalyst for me once again comprehending what God is saying to me. Which is, obviously, that the Kingdom of God is not about that. And I feel like this is a lesson I keep hearing and taking to heart and forgetting and hearing and taking to heart and forgetting. And that feels like failure, too.
But I think the grace part, the part that’s really hard for me to deal with and wrap my head around, is the part where it doesn’t matter. Yep, I keep failing. Yep, things happen in my life that aren’t failing but feel like failing because I have depression and I still have to process those feelings and thoughts. But even if I never failed from this moment onward, if I were able to succeed at everything I set out to do, I still could never earn the blood of Jesus.
And it’s so hard for me to remember, because I don’t want to be any trouble and I want to earn my keep and I want to make good somehow on the investment God has made in my heart. And I keep talking over Him, telling Him to wait and see, I can totally get it right this time! I can get the job and pay the bills and do all the charitable things that He has placed on my heart and then I’ll somehow be worth it, even a little tiny bit. Again, this is a really human attitude I’m working with here. Because that’s never been what God called us to do.
He’s called me to be like Jesus. He’s called me to be obedient to the will of the Father. All of this earthly stuff that clutters up my heart is nothing compared to Him.
And I do believe that with all of my heart. I am certain of it beyond a shadow of a doubt, even when I don’t feel it, which is a blessing, because right now I mostly just feel tired and empty. But Jesus is faithful and gentle and patient, way beyond anything that I can express. And I hope and pray that I’ve got it for sure this time, but even if I don’t He’ll tell me again, that the Kingdom of God is the mustard tree with birds in its branches, the yeast worked all through the dough.
Great is His faithfulness.
“Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” –Hebrews 4:14-16